While I was mowing the lawn tonight, I began thinking about what "obedience" means. When I read "obedience to Christ" in the Bible, I think my mind equates it with "freedom from sin," but what I really think it means is doing what we feel prompted to do by the Spirit and obeying God even when it seems unusual. I thought of Naaman, for example. He had leprosy, Elisha told him to wash in the Jordan river seven times (pretty unusual), and Naaman refused because "I thought, ‘He will surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the LORD his God, and wave his hand over the place and cure the leper’" (2 Kings 5:11). Then he wanted to know why he couldn't wash in a different river. When his servants implored him to go back and obey the simple task of washing--rather than some great, nearly impossible task--"he went down and dipped himself seven times in the Jordan, according to the word of the man of God; and his flesh was restored like the flesh of a little child and he was clean" (2 Kings 5:14).
Brian Ban, the pastor of The Anchor Fellowship, was talking today about how we, as a fellowship, have taken for granted the "grace" of God, and have, in essence, ceased to be aware of our sin. "Everything is permissible," he said. (For the context of that verse, click HERE.) During the prayer time at the end of the service, I asked Brian if I could share a short testimony. This is the first time I've ever spoken during a service at The Anchor, and we've been there for two years. But as I stood there, I felt like I was going to throw up if I didn't ask. I was sweating. I was shaking. I wanted to run to the bathroom, but I knew that I needed to obey the prompting of the Holy Spirit. So I asked.
I ended up sharing some pretty intimate information, and I felt incredibly vulnerable. I cried and shook for a while afterward and it took some time to get my bearings. I'm having a hard time wanting to go back. As I told a friend via FB message, it's a little like showing up to church without your clothes on and then expecting everyone not to remember what you look like naked when you come back the following week all dressed again.
In my story, I mentioned an "obedience" experience I had before I got married. I was at a little Baptist church in Clarksville and a lady was singing a beautiful spontaneous song toward the end of the service. All of a sudden, I felt like I needed to throw my hands in the air. Now, if I were to do that, I would instantly be the center of attention since no one else had their hands raised. But I felt like if I didn't do it, I would explode. So I did it. I obeyed.
And something happened.
I don't have a good explanation for it--all I know is prior to that moment, I was a slave to sin. It wasn't a fair fight. After that moment, I was a slave to righteousness (see Romans 6). I had the power to make the right choice in a compromising situation. I no longer felt like I was compelled to sin. All of the energy behind those "choices" had been diffused in an instant, and I felt like I was in control of myself again.
I don't think it's coincidence that the "fruit of the Spirit" (see Galatians 5) includes self-control.
I also think that if we perceive sin as a sickness of the heart, and go after healing instead of trying to work our way out of it, we'll find more success. For me, I think a couple things really helped:
1) I was desperate. I knew that I hated the way I felt about myself and what I was doing, but I didn't know how to stop. When my husband (boyfriend at the time) demonstrated a broken heart instead of anger--when he reminded me that he couldn't control me and that I was in control of myself--I was undone. No manipulation. No punishment. No attempts to control my behavior. Simply unconditional love and acceptance--and sadness for my sin against him. Wow. A couple years later, I read in scripture, "His loving-kindness leads us to repentance" (Romans 2:4). And now I have a better understanding of what that means. I went to God with my desperation and He extended mercy. His loving kindness literally changed my way of thinking--which changed my behavior. He went for the heart. I like that about Him.
2) I had James to stand with me and basically hold me in the refiner's fire (see Malachi 3). I didn't want to be there. I cried nearly every time we went to church. I had absolutely no explanation whatsoever for why I hated it so much. I wanted more than anything to leave. But he wouldn't waver. He said that once I figured out what I hated about it, he would consider going somewhere else. But I was never able to put it into words. And then I started feeling whole again. Healed. As if I had be going through surgery for months and months and then experiencing the pain of being sewn up and recovering and then . . . healing. Freedom. Peace. Wow.
I'm still not 100% healed. My heart still has some sick places--places of wounding and deep pain. And I may never see a fully healed heart as long as I'm living in this body in this fallen world. But that's not going to stop me from more surgery. And more recovery. And more healing. Freedom is kind of addictive. So I keep pursuing it.
"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery" (Galatians 5:1).
