The Aspiring Parenting Expert

Parenting is one of my new passions. Everything I've ever done I've desired to do with excellence. If I couldn't be an expert (fill in the blank), I'd move on to something else.

I love a challenge. After college, I started selling cars because I knew nothing about cars and wanted to be challenged. It was an awesome experience. I learned that most car buyers (especially women) don't know what kind of questions to ask. I realized that in order to do something well--in order to make good decisions--we have to educate ourselves. We have to do our own research. I love to dig around and learn as much as I can about whatever it is I'm doing for the moment.

I used to be an over-achiever. For years I made straight-A's in school. In high school, when I got my first "real" job at Sonic Drive-In (read: taxes deducted from my meager paycheck), I ended up winning the "Carhop of the Year" award. As a result, I earned scholarship money and acted in national television commercials. In college, I won writing and academic scholarships. I was one of the top-sellers of men's clothes at my first mall job. Upon graduating college, I was the first salesperson to sell a car to one of the professors at APSU. I later taught at a junior college and began reading books about resume writing because someone came into my office needing help constructing a resume. I went from admissions counselor to Placement Director to College Instructor. I spent countless hours looking for resources in the library, reading, researching, networking with employers, finding new ways to explain things, learning. Even more than a challenge, I love to learn.

For me, being a parent is no different. I'm constantly taking advantage of parenting resources and watching friends interact with their kids and getting time with families who have strong connections with their well-behaved children. I want to know how to parent well. I want to parent with excellence. Yes, as bizarre as it sounds, I'd even go so far as to say I want to be an expert at parenting.

I was recently asked about my parenting style, and I wrote this e-mail on July 23 in response:

In answer to your question about Judah, I usually say something like, "Would you like to do this now or hang out in your room until you're ready to do it?" or like yesterday, "Would you like to clean up your mess now or sit in this chair until you're ready to clean it up?" He chose the chair. Once I grabbed the broom and started cleaning, he jumped down and said, "Okay! I'm ready to clean up now!" It's just a little opportunity for him to feel in control of himself and his decisions. I think that when our kids are old enough to have opinions, we begin to label them "disobedient" or "rebellious" or "defiant," when they're just trying out their new opinions and their newly discovered sense of self. I think they mostly just want stuff to be their idea*. At least some of the time.

With Judah, I feel like we've gone through different levels of it, starting around 8 months, and reaching an all time high a few weeks ago. That was the first time he told me that he wouldn't do either choice. I calmly said, "No problem," and followed him downstairs. I picked up a little wooden spoon, took it in the room with him, and very calmly talked about how it made me sad when he made bad choices and spoke to me in a mean way. He was really upset because he didn't want to get a spank (which includes asking him if he knows why he's getting a spank, giving one swat on the back of the leg with me fully in control of my emotions, hugging him afterward and telling him I love him, and giving him some space). During one of our talks, he was able to "make it right with Mommy" and "try again." During another one, he got a spank. The day after his realization that he was fully in control of himself (and I wasn't in control of him), he came downstairs (after choosing to hang out in his room until he was ready to help me clean) saying, "It's good to obey your mom and dad." Amazing.

This week he has cried a couple of times, not because I asked him not to do something, but because he hurt something that belonged to me. That's a first. I love seeing him mature and become an independent little person. He tries stuff out on me all the time (I think) just to get a reaction. I believe that kids learn as early as two that our love is conditional--based on their performance--and that they need to perform according to our standards to receive love (or at least their definition of love). I try as much as I can to be Judah's "constant help in a time of need" and show him with all my facial expressions and body language that he can really blow it and I'll still love him. I sometimes blow it. And I "make it right" and he forgives me and we have some really sweet, tender moments together.

Sorry this is so long. Everyone is asleep, and I've been chewing all day on how to respond. I definitely don't have all the answers. I'm doing all this for the first time like most of you. I'm constantly looking to moms of multiple children for all kinds of guidance. Danny Silk's stuff really resonates with our spirits, so we're trying that approach and finding it incredibly challenging but bearing much fruit. Parenting Judah is as much about me getting free from limiting mindsets and external controls as it is about training and discipling him.

I'm so glad that we're all in this together.

* Another example: My mom called me today and told me that my 12-year-old nephew had an opportunity to make $20 mowing. He ended up not taking it because he got upset when his mom tried to tell him how to do it. My mom said at least four times that she told him, "Devon, you really blew it. You could have made the money, but you got angry and you lost your opportunity." I shared with her that she could have been sad for him that he didn't make the $20 and then asked him, "What do you think you'll do next time?" letting him work it out in his head rather than telling him what to do. And then, if he hasn't already said what she wanted to share, to say, "I have some suggestions if you want to hear them." That way, she's not throwing a guilt trip on him or telling him that he failed. She's showing compassion and offering help--if he wants it.

I imagined her trying to do something with her father-in-law breathing down her neck, trying to tell her how to do it. She, too, would have forfeited the $20 just to get him off her back. People have a strong need to be in control of themselves and to be free from external controls. One of the most powerful things James ever did with me is show me how my actions affected him (replacing anger with sadness), but saying to me, "It breaks my heart when you do this, but I'm not in control of you. YOU are in control of you, and I still love you." To me, that's unconditional love. And it really does cast out fear, cover a multitude of sins, and set the captives free.

Our little people may not respond right away to our sadness. We may only get a response right away when we get angry or threaten them with fear (like a spank), but if we give it time, we'll see that they care about us and our feelings. They will begin to make choices that will delight us rather than sadden us. When that happens, it's so glorious. It's then that we'll create for them a true picture what it's like to be in a love relationship with Papa God. (I'm assuming that we're also constantly encouraging them, praying for and with them, and doing things they enjoy...I figure that's a given in this group.)