Every now and then, I check out what the Music City Moms are chatting about. Today, someone posted a question about parenting books. Just this past Sunday, my girlfriend Rachel was telling me that she wished she could erase everything she's ever read on parenting and just go with what she feels led by the Lord to do with her sons. She also said that it's hard for her to live with the ambiguity of loving her friends dearly and disagreeing with their parenting styles, strategies, principles, or tactics. I can totally relate.
Wendy was telling me a couple weeks ago at playgroup that she was reading a book about Bono of U2. She was impressed with his attitude about networking with political leaders to enact change. She said that he looks for one point of agreement. If he and another leader can agree on one thing, then a connection is made and he knows they can move forward.
Too often, we find the points of disagreement and disconnect rather than looking for the points of agreement and connecting. Rather than moving forward, we move away. I think some of that comes from what we learn through organized religion. For example, a church I attended as a child forbid the taking of communion by non-members. I thought about that recently when our church donated a ridiculous amount of money to another church. Our pastor announced that we were all invited to join in on the actual donation, but he encouraged us to move quickly because he wanted to join them in taking communion. Today I thought, "What if they have a policy that they don't allow non-members to take communion?" It might have looked something like this: "Oh, thank you for salvaging that painting of Jesus that used to hang in our old building. It was the only thing that wasn't demolished by the tornado, and it looks beautiful in that new frame. And, oh, there's more? You want to give us money? How wonderful! Well, we'd love to have you join us in the taking of the Lord's supper, but we reserve that for members only. The check is made out for how much? $204,000? Wow. That's wonderful. Thank you for the generous donation. Now, if you'll excuse us, please, we need to partake in our 'closed communion.' "
Can you imagine?
I should probably write a little ditty about the donation. We hosted a conference this weekend called "Resource Revolution: Unleashing Extraordinary Generosity through Ordinary People." Approximately 150 people attended. At the end of the conference, an offering was received with the intention of giving every cent away. Over $100,000 was collected. Yes, $100,000. Crazy, eh? Then, on Sunday morning, we were given an opportunity to participate in the giving away of a wildly generous offering to an unknown recepient. Another $104,000 was collected (we have approximately 500 members at Grace Center--obviously, many of them are wealthy). After all the money was counted, we were told that the donation would go to a small 50+ member church that lost its historic building during the recent tornados. I found out yesterday that their insurance would pay for up to $500,000 of repairs, but the estimate to rebuild was $700,000. Our donation made up the difference--in a day. If you'd like to hear the whole story, click HERE and listen to "WOW" or read about it HERE.
Back to looking for places of agreement . . .
I often read the MCM web posts and think about how people embrace different philosophies and hold tightly to them, surround themselves with people (and literature) that agree with them, and seem afraid of hearing anything that might contradict what they believe. I wonder, what are we afraid of? Why do we jump to defensive mode when we're confronted with an opposing viewpoint? Why is it so hard to separate our emotions from our opinions?
This blog is a place where I can come and explore different ideas, write about what's on my mind (as well as the hilarious and poignant things my kids are saying and doing!), and practice writing persuasively. I know I have the heart of an activist, but I also tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. I'm hoping to hone my writing skills by writing more frequently. Eventually I'd like to branch out and write in more public venues. I often feel as though I have something to say, but when I sit down to write, I get stuck. I've commented a few times on the MCM website, which was prefaced by several months of reading and thinking and mustering up the necessary courage.
I could go in lots of different directions from here . . . let me first write what I've thought of several times today. A while back, I went to a homeschool workshop led by Carole Joy Seid (she's doing another one next Saturday, April 12, at Christ Community Church in Franklin called "Begin with the End in Mind"). I assumed after listening to her and agreeing with almost everything she said that I would want to read all of her recommended books. I was surprised to find that one of her favorite books presents an opposing parenting philosophy to the ones I currently hold. I just figured we'd match up on everything. Not so.
Before Judah was born, I had three different people recommend a tape series on parenting called "Along the Infant Way." Listening to the speakers bolstered my confidence as a parent. Their over-arching philosophy worked beautifully for my little textbook baby. I broke all their "rules," throughout Judah's first two years, but I held fast to the principles. Since I whole-heartedly agreed with so much of what they had to offer, I assumed they would have all sorts of other resources that I would also agree with and devour. While they did have a few interesting books (one of them being Assumptions that Affect Our Lives by Christian Overman--an excellent book), much of the rest of the material I checked out simply didn't resonate with me.
Another book that I read and re-read was Secrets of the Baby Whisperer by Tracy Hogg. Again, I assumed that her next book, Secrets of the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers would be just as fabulous. It was fine, but I needed something a little meatier for my not-so-typical-toddler, Judah.
Now I'm a huge advocate of Danny Silk's teachings about "Loving Our Kids on Purpose," which is based largely on Foster Cline and Jim Fay's Love and Logic book, Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility. It's my favorite way to approach parenting Judah. He's such a thinker and negotiator (and unbelieveably sensitive) that I'm so thankful for their advice and practical tips!
I'm going to leave the writing of my final paragraph to MH:
I really like how herroyalexcitedness (or sweetwife, for short) eats the meat and spits out the bones when she considers other people's points-of-view, even people she admires. It takes work to read and listen like that... listening for areas you agree in and areas you don't. I feel like SW absorbs content while holding her values in the forefront of her mind. Overall, it seems to be a skill that is practiced and learned (ask her about the first time she disagreed with Vange).
I think we all have similar values from a big picture perspective. Often, it is how we prioritize them that makes enormous differences in the output. For example, in our family, we value immediate-first-request obedience. If our kids don't respond to us immediately in a critical situation, they could be in life-threatening danger. We also value learning good decision-making, having choices with the freedom to make mistakes, and endure very real consequences. When those values collide, we have to evaluate (most often subconsciously) which is more important in that situation. Is this a training opportunity for obedience, an opportunity to give choices, or a chance for learning through consequences. (If you leave the play-doh out, it will dry up and you won't get to play with it anymore.) One of the things I especially love that about SW is that she is amazing at making choices about our value priorities that train and encourage our children in ways that really reflect our overall values, worldview, and passions. Isn't that the fundamental definition of an AMAZING parent? -MH
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